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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.