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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
life is too short to match socks
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever