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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation