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I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.