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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Never trust a skinny chef
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Word for the day is asstard
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.