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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.