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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.