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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks Iām not reading it.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
I flunked anger management class.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.