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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...