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My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”