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Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.