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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.