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Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.