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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.