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Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem