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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.