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I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
My own personal hell sounds great, actually