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I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.