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You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
I’m bored enough to clean.
My pants are 75% off.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.