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Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.