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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.