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Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.