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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…