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If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.