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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
My life is based on a true story
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.