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If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.