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I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.