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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.