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I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.