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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.
drinks well with others.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.