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RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.