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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"