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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.