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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.