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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.