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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part