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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.