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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.