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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.