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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.