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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.