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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.