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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."