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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?