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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.