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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.