Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.