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Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
bras are booby-traps
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.