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See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.