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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.