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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store