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"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.