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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.