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If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!