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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.