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Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.