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I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.