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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.