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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops