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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation