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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...