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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
Iām pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.