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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.