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Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!