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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.