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I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands