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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Will be drunk until further notice.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.