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I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.