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The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer