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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.