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Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Been there, done that. allegedly
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
No. My hair magically got shorter.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.