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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
My sleep number is 100 proof.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?