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Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.