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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late