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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally