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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.