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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point