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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.