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My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch