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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.