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If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.