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Before the internet I used to like people.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?