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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.