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Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!