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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.