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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.