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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie