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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.