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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.