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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
why me is me ?
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.