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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.