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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
dont love..dont hurt...keep doing flirt..:)
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime