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My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!