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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.