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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I always advise people never to give advice.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.