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You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
So... Where does one obtain minions?
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.