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Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
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