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Iām cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.