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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich