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Does the Food Network deliver?
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.