Daily Silly Status

Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.

My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.

Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.

I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.

I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.

You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.

Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get

Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live

Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?

Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.

I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)

I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.

Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.