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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.