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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.