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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Don’t believe everything you think.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?