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Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.